I have played golf off and on for a lot of years. I mostly play with friends or charity events and have never played a round in my entire life where I always hit my own ball. I don’t know if I have ever had fun “playing” golf but I have had fun on the golf course. This past weekend I attended a family reunion and played golf three days in a row. On the plane ride home I began contemplating the whole golf phenomenon and have drawn some conclusions I will share with you now.
Whoever invented this game was a sadist!
You take some strange looking clubs and try to hit a small ball accurately off of the ground with the intent of eventually landing it in a small hole. You have to hit this ball over terrain that is dotted with bushes, tall grass, sand, and sometimes water and you have to deal with weather conditions like wind and heat. If you do this well enough you can be finished in under four hours which can take up most of your Saturday or Sunday. If you are lucky that will keep you from doing horrible things like chores around the house or spending time with your family. If your wife loves the fact that you are always on the golf course she either doesn’t like you our she has found a “hobby” of her own. If your kids ask your wife who is that strange guy in the living room maybe you have a bigger problem, especially if that guy isn’t you.
Golf has too many rules!
When you can use a tee, when you can move the ball, what is inbounds, when to take a drop, what constitutes legal equipment? The person who came up with these rules had to be the most anal retentive person on the planet.
I play sports for recreation and happiness but golfers are masochists. They get mad at themselves, mad at other golfers, throw clubs, and moan and groan. My Uncle accused a tree of moving. He also got mad at his golf ball and “punished it” by putting it back in the bag. Yeah these people are normal.
Golfers have short memories!
A golfer can spray shots all over the course for 17 holes but if by some twist of fate, karma, or black magic he manages to par or birdie a hole suddenly it was a great day.
You can play a lot and still suck and another guy can play once every three years and beat the daylights out of you!
My cousin Dave played with us the last day. His bag had dust on it and was faded. He didn’t even hit bucket of balls. He then went out and cranked long drives and chipped and putted like he played every day. Did I mention I hate him now?
If people make a big deal out of your putting that is a polite way of saying you stink!
If you can’t put a ball in the fairway to save your life other golfers will automatically start trying to build you up as a putter. If you happen to pull one out your butt and actually make a putt that is your story for the day. Golfers are very polite. After all it is a gentlemen’s game.
Golfers mess with your head!
Oh it is polite and subtle but they will screw with you. ” Gee you seem to be lipping that cup a lot on your putts.” ” You will get that slice straightened out, but why are you twisting your hips like that?” It always sounds like helpful advice but make no mistake he knows the more you think the more you will screw up.
Golfers are obsessed with their clubs!
They always have a new driver, or a new putter, or some new fancy wedge that will definitely improve their game. I just decided to buy the biggest and longest clubs I could find. That way I can always say “Mine’s bigger!”
This domain does not belong just to fishermen. If the drive was 250 yards within an hour it will have gained 50 additional yards. If the putt was 10 feet within that same time frame it will be up to 30 feet. Exaggeration is an important part of the game. It also helps hone your skills if you have to concoct some story for your wife later that day.
Cart girls are overrated!
Yeah she’s young and cute and pretends that you are interesting but in 95 degree heat I would like to see her more than just twice! I buy my stuff now before I tee off. I can always talk to her a couple of hours later when my playing partner is on the verge of dehydration and she only has blue Gatorade left.
Everybody pees on the golf course!
First off there aren’t enough bathrooms, especially if you are drinking beer. Secondly only an idiot would go in a port o let in the summer. You know your partner will just back his cart up against the door and make you beg for your life to get out!
Despite all of the above occasionally playing golf with friends and family can be an awful lot of fun. But then again I could be exaggerating!