Marriage. It is the union of two people who profess their love for one another so profoundly that they want to legally and spritually bond via a ceremony. That is the fun part. The work begins once the Honeymoon is over and all the gifts have been unwrapped.
I don’t know any husband, myself included, who was really prepared to live with his new wife. He wants to live with her, needs to live with her, but probably isn’t ready to live with her. As such I have come up with a Top Ten that should be prove helpful to any man who has signed on for duty as a husband. These immutable truths are based on almost 23 years of research.
1 ) There is no correct answer to the question,”Do I look fat in this?” If she asks that question she already thinks she looks fat. If you say no she will accuse you of being untruthful. If you say yes you are a dead man. The only escape is to begin to cough excessively and lock yourself in a bathroom until she gets tired of waiting for you and changes outfits.
2 ) You cannot watch TV and talk to your wife at the same time. It’s like Icarus flying too close to the sun. You may try it once but you will regret it if you do.
3 ) Whatever you do wrong your first year of marriage, and every year thereafter, will be committed to memory and brought back to your attention when you least expect it. There is no avoiding this.
4 ) Your concept of fiscal responsibility will be different than your wife’s.If she gets a $500.00 dress for $250.00 she saved you $250.00. I made the observation once that she spent $250.00 as opposed to zero and was shown the error of my ways, despite my long and distinguished career in finance.
5 ) If she is moving into your house or apartment take a picture of your furnishings and decor now. In all probability within a year all of your furniture will be gone and your decor totally changed. You may even be in a new house or apartment by then.
6 ) If you have the space get your own bathroom. Even if it’s the smallest one in the house. It will become your sanctuary and you will need sanctuary from time to time.
7 ) You will be asked your opinion on furnishings, decor, etc. Your opinion doesn’t matter but you need to offer it anyway. If you don’t you will be perceived as uncaring. Rest assured she will pick what she wants but at least you cared.
8 ) If you enter a room and your wife and mother-in-law are talking, and upon your entering they stop talking and stare at you, leave immediately and find a florist. You may not be aware of what you did, but you definitely did something, and the quicker you atone the better off you will be.
9 ) Never, never, never, remark about how attractive any of her friends are. The word “hot” is absolutely verboten.
10 ) If you are arguing and she starts to cry you lose. Game over. Fat lady is singing. Turn out the lights the party’s over. Tears are the atom bomb of marital disagreements and men can’t use them.
I’m from New Orleans and we have a thing called lagniappe, which means something extra. So in that spirit I will offer you an additional bit of information.
11 ) You will amazingly become irresistable to your wife when she decides that it is time to have children. Furthermore you will become equally resistable once she decides that you both have enough children.
Having said all of this marriage is a special and wonderful time in a man’s life. A wife completes a man and makes him whole. If you don’t understand or believe that just ask your wife and she will explain it to you.
